i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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