My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
we're making bets on your personal life
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
