No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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