well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Sext me about skeletons
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
