She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
