I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
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