I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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