Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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