she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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