shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
