My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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