Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
