Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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