yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
