Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
