Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
