I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I pour the whiskey from now on
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
