Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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