I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
