ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
