I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
