Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
