i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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