The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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