I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
