I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
