He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize