pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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