At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
