Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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