Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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