I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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