Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
