so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
