Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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