she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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