Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
