I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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