Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
