Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
