i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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