Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
pop tarts are not kleenex
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
