She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
