It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
