How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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