You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
