I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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