Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
the night ended with taco bell and tears
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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