even my farts smell like vagina
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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