If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
