She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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