I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
