Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
