This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
