I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
