I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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