Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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