What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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