u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
