Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Randomize
