I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
