i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
