I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Found your dick twin last night
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.